I realized this morning that it’s already the second week of November which means that I have to decide soon if I still want to pursue this little project I started two years ago. (Actually, it’s huge but I’m pretending that it’s not, being the denial queen that I am. Haha) You see, two years ago, I decided to pursue further studies, Master of Laws to be exact, in the U.S., but due to an unfortunate series of events (lack of scholarship on account of the U.S. economic crisis which was followed by my father’s ailment), the farthest I got was getting an admission in a New York based university (my first choice), being wait listed in an Ivy League school (a long shot, in the first place) and gaining conditional admission in another reputable university in Nashville. Anyway, all of these plans had to be shelved because of the circumstances I mentioned above. And now, I have to decide whether or not I should extend my deferment in the New York based university. Or more to the point, I have to clarify with them if my deferment is still renewable for the next term.
I have to be honest and say that I seem to have temporarily lost my drive for this pursuit. I know so because I no longer feel excited thinking about it. In fact, if you ask me now which school I would want to go to, I’d probably pick the university in Nashville (my third choice) and only because I want to take good pictures while I’m there. That’s how distracted I am.
In other words, my heart is not in it anymore. Or maybe I should say, my heart is not in it yet, the presumption being that my heart will be in it again anytime soon. Hopefully.
Maybe the year has been very tiresome for me, so I want to give myself a break by being indolent (strong word but more or less accurate) for a change. Maybe I’ve grown tired of assuming responsibilities and I don’t want to run the risk of flunking out just because I’m not totally committed to studying at this point. Or maybe, I just want to be without plans in the meantime, although part of me is hoping that it will prove to be a very short meantime.
Anyhow, I think I’ve more or less decided that this particular project is archived for the time being. Until I find my drive again, until I get acquainted with my competitive spirit again, until I can sit again for hours writing a formidable essay that’s convincing enough to make the admissions committee think that they should pick me over hundreds of applicants and shell out money at the same time, I won’t even attempt to pursue this matter at this point.
I ask myself if I’m being irresponsible by behaving this way. I answer myself in the negative. On the contrary, I think I’m being responsible by not pursuing something I cannot commit my entire self to just yet. So no regrets on my part. LLM— whether in New York or in Nashville or in some other unversity– can wait. What cannot wait is my desire to rest and give myself a break.
Wherefore, I’ll simply relax and do nothing in the meantime. And maybe take good pictures while I’m at it. 😉